This Christmas presents itself in a different light. I’m away from home, no family no friends just me.. and him. When I woke up this morning I was grumpy been like that all week honestly. The combination of approaching pms , bone chilling cold and the holidays is the perfect cocktail for a morning of tears. And that’s exactly how this morning began. As I Brushed my teeth I looked deep into my own eyes and soon after they began to fill with a salty solution that came running down my cheeks in a moment’s time.
Holidays in my childhood home was always a huge occasion. Traditions I hope to pass on to my family. It all began when I was about 8 years old. We’d pack up the car and take our gifts over to my paternal grandmothers home on Christmas Eve where all the cousins would play and run around as Christmas dinner warmed in the oven and the sweet smells of sweet potato pie that filled the air. It was heaven. It was family. Instead of stockings the adults brought an old age tradition back to us children and filled brown paper bags with fruit and a few treats. As we marched into the evening the kids became anxious and restless and we were rushed off to bed to await the arrival of old st. Nick. That was my childhood every year for as long as I can remember and that memory will forever be with me.
We created our own traditions in our home once grandma moved away. We’d decorate to Christmas music, mom would bake and dad would trim the tree. We laughed , we reminisced and we found new ways of bringing Christmas cheer to our already warm and comforting home!
Today things are much different. I moved away 6 months ago. Moves to follow my dreams and follow my heart to see exactly what I’m made of. Our home is a small one bedroom apartment with very little furniture and a lot of love. I converted an ironing board to serve as a decoration table and purchased a 3 foot Christmas to decorate shortly after thanksgiving . I sent gifts home this year and although money has been tight I managed to get my loved ones meaningful gifts. I’ve learned much more about simplicity in these last few months then I have my entire life. Society teaches us to go big or go home yet I’m finding how much more beneficial it is to my spirit to do things in a more simple fashion.
Our Christmas may not look like everyone else’s but it’s ours and it’s our very first Christmas together and for that I am grateful. He held me this morning as tears began to fall. I couldn’t look at him . A little embarrassment to be so emotional about a holiday away from family. Then I said fuck it and let the feeling flow. He urged me to look at him and in so many words urged me to trust him. So I did. I sat down and let my eyes fill and fall and fill again. He was there for me. He held space for my sadness and reiterated how much I mean to him and how excited he is to share in our very first holiday together. I exhaled. It felt good to let the emotion out. I Felt even better that I was comforted and held during the process. Felt good to know he’s got me.
I say all this to say, this Christmas will be magical. I will spin gold out of this moment and hold myself up despite the desire to crumble. I’m one part of this two-part relationship and this Christmas he saw the broken pieces of me and through a soft embrace he held me back together . So like the song goes this Christmas will be a very special Christmas for me.